Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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