My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
