I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
