I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
