It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Let's paint friendship bongs
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
