We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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