I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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