so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
