Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
