He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
