are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
