I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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