Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
