There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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