opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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