If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
