Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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