You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
