somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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