his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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