I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
