they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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