my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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