Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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