And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
