WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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