last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you would pick up someone in the library
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
