Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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