he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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