the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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