Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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