You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
