I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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