Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
