I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
