yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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