If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
