I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize