I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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