Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
