Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
