my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm getting married
To pizza
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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