found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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