I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
