she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
