you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
