I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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