who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
