Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
