thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
