i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
