instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
