he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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