The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize